Prescriptions: Science Or A Guessing Game?

Hope

For the last 21 years, I have tried a plethora of drugs. Add this one to that one or decrease this one by one-half. Still not working? Let’s add this one to it and see what happens!

The truth of the matter is that mental health doctors have no idea what specific antidepressant a patient requires. There is no "one pill fits all."

It's more like, "Pick a pill, any pill. Try it for six weeks, and let me know if it helps. Is it not helping? Then, pick a pill, any pill. Try it for six weeks ...

Medicine “tweaking” is the only way for the prescribing doctor to find that unique blend of medications that hopefully brings some normalcy back into the patient’s life.

Image of a very sad clinically depressed face

This is my story:

In an earlier blog, "Hey, You Smiled" I shared that I had begun to change from one antidepressant to a different one systematically. When Part 1 of my story ended, I was slowly being weaned off of my twice-daily dose of 3 Lamictal tablets. Discontinuing this antidepressant was a 3-week process. When the day came that I was totally off of the Lamictal, I began taking the new antidepressant, Depakote.

With great anticipation, I looked for any kind of improvement. Six weeks later ... it was nowhere to be found.

No, quite the contrary.

In a previous blog post, I described the dark pit of desolation. Well, now I found myself, once again, heading right towards it! Every day, I found myself moving just a little bit closer to that ominous pit. I tried digging my heels into the ground, attempting to slow down what appeared to be inevitable.

I was so scared. I was desperately in need of help but I chose to do nothing. I kept hoping that I would start feeling better again soon. Finally, I admitted to myself that I was definitely headed in the wrong direction. So I searched frantically for somewhere that I could make a U-turn.

Just then, I felt my knees buckle, causing me to start falling. Before I could blink, I found myself gliding uncontrollably down a slippery slope into that horrible pit. Sliding faster and faster, my mind began replaying some of my most frightening memories. Memories of what it had been like to be imprisoned in complete darkness. I just had to stop this downward free fall.

Through tears of fear, sadness, helplessness and rapidly depleting hope, I picked up my cell phone and placed a call to my Psychiatrist. Her voicemail beeped and I quickly acknowledged that the new medication was making me feel worse. Confessing to her that, once again, I was very depressed and I was entertaining suicide. I needed help ASAP!

Promptly, my Psychiatrist did call me back and expressed that she thought that the Depakote was not working. Really? I don’t have a medical degree, and basically, I don’t know much about science, but this was a no-brainer! She told me to stop taking the Depakote immediately. This was done "cold turkey." There was no time for weaning me off. My Psychiatrist told me to get back on the Lamictal. I was to take one pill for the next two days and then take two pills. Two days after that, add the 3rd pill of Lamictal.

I got it! I prayed that this change would work because the options were not enticing. Within 36 hours, my spirit had been resurrected, and my battery was being recharged.

Looking towards the horizon, something captured my attention. As the haze and darkness continued to disappear, I saw a faint outline of something that I had seen before. It was as if the sunlight was being reflected off of a mirror. As quickly as it came, it was gone. There it was again, this time, it remained a bit longer.

Yes! I now knew what it was. It was still small but none the less I could see it.

What was it, you ask?

A glimmer of hope!

God, thank you for hearing my prayers and for keeping me safe during this frightening and difficult part of my journey.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

The grass is not always greener on the other side. The medication that works for some people doesn’t necessarily mean that it is going to work for me. Suffering in silence is dumb. Remember the good times ... they will come again!

Get Up…Get Going…Get Something Done

by Judy | 0 comments

Hope

by Judy

I do not have the words to describe how amazingly appropriate and timely today's devotional was. Just minutes before, I had written in my journal a cool motivational saying that had popped into my head: Get up, get going, and get something done.

Then I opened up Oswald Chambers's book, UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST. His key verse for today was “Arise from the dead…” Ephesians 5:14. Just a few sentences into today's reading, he writes, “…someone may say to you, ’Get up and get going!'”

A coincidence? No. I call it an “Aha moment from God!”

God is telling me to get out of bed and begin living again. God will not lift me out of bed, but I must initiate the process. God’s power will be made evident to me AFTER I put my feet on the floor.

“God does not give us overcoming life. He gives us life as we overcome.”

Oswald Chambers

Matthew 12 tells a story about a man with a withered hand. Jesus didn’t say to him, “Your hand is healed.” He told him, “Stretch out your hand.”

In John 5, a lame man told Jesus he wanted to be healed. Jesus didn’t reach down with His hand to him, but instead, He told him to “Take up his bedroll and walk.”

That man had no way of knowing if his legs would work, but he would not know unless he took some initiative, like getting up! No, this man who had not walked in 38 years had to do it on his own. Jesus wanted him to realize that…

not only had God healed him but that God had empowered him

...to do the very thing that Jesus had told him he could do.

The second principle Chambers addresses is the death of a dream. A dream or aspiration (a hope or ambition of achieving something) that we had earlier in our life but we let it die.

Through God-ordained circumstances, He continually reminds me of the dream He placed in my heart. Somewhere during my journey, the passion and vision I once had were kindled anew within my soul. My hope is renewed, and my dream once again seems plausible. Why? Because I am experiencing the power of God, which is compelling me to “Arise from the dead…”

Do I want to be healed?

Do I want to see my dream come to fruition?

Then I must “Arise from MY BED” by taking it upon myself to put my feet on the floor willing myself to

get up ... get going ... get something done!

Do YOU want to be healed?

“Arise from the dead” by beginning to do things you already know you should be doing.

What is YOUR dream?

“Arise from the dead” by reigniting and empowering that dream you have held at bay for far too long.

MAKE A PLAN and GET GOING!

Childhood Memories

by Judy | 2 comments

Hope

by Judy

As my husband Ron and I were exiting the movie theater after viewing Saving Mr. Banks, I felt an overwhelming urge to write. I was deeply moved as I blended my childhood memories with a few scenes portrayed in the movie.

Allow me to warn you, Saving Mr. Banks is not a "warm and fuzzy" film. It tells the backstory of how Walt Disney ultimately secured the rights to the book Mary Poppins, which finally allowed him to make the movie. It took 20 years for Mr. Disney to convince Mrs. P. L. Travers to let him turn her book into a movie sensation.

The author, Mrs. Travers, was domineering and extremely unhappy. I wondered how someone so unhappy could write such an enchanting story.

Mrs. Travers's sad and lonely adulthood was shaped by some very traumatic and emotionally scarring events.

THE TRUTH ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD

On the drive home from the theater, I attempted to describe to Ron what had caused me to succumb to the film's emotional roller coaster—a ride that didn't stop until the final credits began to roll! During the movie, I found myself sobbing during one scene, tapping my toes during another, and laughing out loud at something else.

I sensed that the Holy Spirit was attempting to get my attention. When I finally decided to listen, He told me it was time to start working through some of my own painful childhood memories—memories I had purposefully buried years ago. Why did God want me to dig them all back up again? What good could ever come from rehashing the past?

"Why did God want me to dig them all back up again? What good could ever come from rehashing the past?"

....Well, with guidance from Godly therapists, I discovered why it was vital for me to go back and dig up and examine some of those painful childhood memories. The truth was that...

For 50 years, I allowed my childhood memories to define me.

Who I was and who I was not.

What I could do and what I could not do.

How I would or would not deal with emotional situations.

How close would I allow people to get to me?

How far away was far enough to feel safe?

The key question became, who could I trust?

In the movie, Mrs. Travers is portrayed as a sad, grumpy, lonely woman who trusts no one. She has a beautiful home where she feels safe and finds personal comfort. She seemed stuck in the days of her childhood. Mrs. Travers seemed to have no new dream to pursue. She had stopped believing that one day, that elusive brass ring would be within her reach.

No, for Mrs. Travers, her life ended many years prior.

I sat in my soft, cushy theater seat, watching expectantly as the woman on that silver screen finally let her pent-up tears fall from her once-steely, cold eyes. As the tears continued to roll down her cheeks, Mrs. P. L. Tavers could have been recalling how she, as a child, had never allowed herself to grieve the loss of her father.

Childhood trauma will never heal unless those painful events are brought out into the open. Truth is the gateway to freedom. Freedom from childhood pain, shame, and guilt. Truth is what can set you free. In the Bible, John 8:32 says, "You will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free."

Finally, her childhood memories were no longer being allowed to define her. The truth had set her free. God's Word has taught me that feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness are all lies that Satan has perpetrated. It was time for me to take a realistic look at my childhood wounds caused by being sexually abused and growing up with a mom who had an untreated mental illness.

I was ready to replace what I now recognized as a lie with the truth. From this point forward, my journey will be centered on knowing and following God's Truth.

How about YOU?

Is it time yet?

Giving Up Isn’t An Option!

by Judy | 0 comments

Two records were set on Saturday night.

FIRST RECORD:
The King's Academy girls' varsity basketball team, coached by my incredibly awesome husband Ron, won the school's FIRST EVER Central Coast Section quarter-final playoff game! We were the #6 seed playing Sacred Heart Prep (our eternal nemesis), the #3 seed. We were up by 3 at the end of the first quarter. Up by 2 at the end of the second quarter. Up by 1 at the end of the third quarter. One more quarter to go. Could the Division 4 Cinderella team stay at the dance? YES! We outscored them 19-6 with a tenacious defense and an unstoppable offense! The final score: Sacred Heart Prep 46, The King's Academy 60! It was so awesome...

SECOND RECORD:
My emotional altitude has never been higher! Probably due to the two Diet Cokes, WITH CAFFEINE, that I consumed during halftime. But I was so thirsty and water is not my drink of choice. My adrenaline kept rising with every made basket for us and missed opportunity for them. I found myself constantly checking the game clock, which appeared to me to be moving in slow motion, as it clicked down one agonizing second after another. Finally, the numbers on the clock displayed only a row of zero's and the greatly anticipated blaring sound of the buzzer was ringing loudly in everyone's ear's. Cinderella still has both of her glass slippers and is prepared to keep on dancing!

I love being happy! To once again know how it feels to laugh and smile. To be able to process positive and uplifting thoughts to the point that I feel like I could fly! Oh how I wish that this incredible sense of joy would last longer than a couple of hours and could be enjoyed more frequently than once every few months. Knowing that for the first several years after my breakdown, I never once felt even a twinge of happiness or joy. So this is progress.

I am no longer wallowing in only the "agony of defeat," but occasionally, the "thrill of victory" lifts me up so that I can fly! Beating mental illness is all about balance and consistency. Before you can find your balance you have to start moving. I find myself "swaying" from one side to the other but I praise God that I am no longer chained to only despondency and darkness. God is continuing to renew my hope that one day He will use my suffering to be of help to someone else.

Jesus said, “What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight” (Matthew 10:27).

Oswald Chambers writes, "When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get in the light.”

I am looking forward, which is a praise in and of its self, to the day that I once again find myself spending the majority of my time in the light. Ron's basketball team wasn't suppose to win and yet they did! It has been predicted that Team Judy would be defeated by Team Clinical Depression but the clock tells me that the game isn't over yet.

With God, as my Coach, all things are possible!